Three Mothers, Two Fathers
by Aileen-Snape
Summary: Hermione out pranks the Marauders! AU! One-shot crack fic
1. The Prank

Title: Three Mothers, Two Fathers  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing! JK Rowling owns Harry Potter and the Marauders.  
  
Summary: My sister and I were joking around with a funny plot line that basically leads to this story. As you can tell from the title it's an odd, but funny, fic so I hope that you read and review!  
  
Author's Note: It's HUMOR!!! This is NOT to be taken seriously.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Hermione Granger looked at the group before her. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and James Potter were watching her with careful eyes, as they knew she knew something they didn't.  
  
"You guys aren't going to like what I have to say." Hermione told them.  
  
"Just tell us what you know." Sirius growled angrily as he was tired of her incisive games. She'd appeared to them one day with no way to get home and had to make a new life for herself. Coincidently she knew of the future as it was her time but she wouldn't tell them anything.  
  
"Alright." Hermione sighed slowly. "James you'll have a son."  
  
James' hazel eyes went wide at the thought of having a baby boy. "Really?" He questioned slightly mystified.  
  
"Really." Hermione assured him. "He's a wonderful young man and it's odd now to see you and not him." She mused. "Anyways, there's something you should know about your son, Harry."  
  
"Harry Potter." Sirius mused glancing over at James. "His mother must have named him."  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes but before she could continue James asked, "Who's Harry's mother?"  
  
"That's the thing, James." Hermione replied. "There was a potion."  
  
"Potion?" James repeated confused.  
  
"Yes James, potion." She echoed snippy. "Apparently, Snape was doing a potion when you-" She looked at James. "-came in thinking he was up to no good. Well sadly you messed up Snape's potion and when Remus, Sirius and Lily came in it...well it exploded all over Lily."  
  
"Did anything bad happen?" Remus questioned.  
  
"Define bad." Hermione mused to herself before saying, "The four of you hurried to clean Lily up therefore giving Harry three mothers and two fathers."  
  
The bedroom was silent. The three boys, she was telling the story to, were staring at her with wide eyes and in complete disbelief. "NO BLOODY WAY!" They all called at once causing Hermione to flinch at the sudden loudness of the room.  
  
"Language!" Hermione chided. "Honestly, you three sound just like Harry when he was told the truth." She added her hands on her hips. "Course he heard it from Snape so that should tell me something." She replied to herself.  
  
"I would never." James stuttered. "With SNAPE?"  
  
"Not with him, honestly." Hermione huffed. "It was the POTION!" She yelled that last part. "Deal with it, because you can't change history. If you do, Harry won't be who he is."  
  
The three looked at her as she suddenly grinned.  
  
"Besides he's got Snape's hands, James' butt, Lily's eyes, Remus' legs and Sirius' hair." She laughed at the hilarity of the situation.  
  
"Glad one of us is finding this funny." James muttered darkly. Suddenly Remus and Sirius began laughing and James cried, "Mutiny! Traitorous friends!"  
  
Remus gulped down the laughter and said, "Come on James, this is pretty funny."  
  
She looked at the three friends, trying to remember Remus' reaction to the story but couldn't. "Funny you should act this way. I seem to remember that Sirius couldn't remain conscious."  
  
"You have a fainting problem?" James questioned, suddenly finding something to laugh at.  
  
"It wasn't me." Sirius muttered.  
  
"Oh I assure you, it was." Hermione countered. "I better go." She then left the room because her work was done and entered her own room. She'd been given her own room so that she wouldn't be tempted to tell the marauders anything of the future.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"YOU DID WHAT???" James yelled at Sirius.  
  
"I just told him how to get into the Shrieking Shack." Sirius replied.  
  
"You're trying to KILL one of the mothers of OUR BABY!!!" James screamed causing Albus Dumbledore to halt with one foot in the air. Albus decided to pause and listen to their conversation.  
  
"I didn't think about that." Sirius said paling slightly.  
  
"Agh!" James yelled in frustration. "No wonder you're only the bleeding father of the child." He added before racing down the hallway.  
  
Albus stood there before thinking, 'I don't want to know'. He turned and continued down the hallway adding this to his thoughts, 'didn't hear anything, didn't see anything and not doing anything'.  
  
Meanwhile on the other end of the hallway Hermione was laughing it up at the marauders. She'd never dreamed it would end up this way for them, not in her wildest dreams. Though she knew they'd get back at her...someday.  
  
The days passed when Snape began to notice that Potter was looking at him with a strange look in his eye. At first he thought it had something to do with knowing about Lupin's secret, but the gaze was neither hostile nor suspicious. It was almost curious, like he was thinking something. It annoyed him.  
  
He'd seen that bushy haired girl hanging out with them, if only he could remember her name as she was the only one – besides Lily of course – that was worth talking to. 'Grangie?' Severus questioned, 'No, something different. Le something.'  
  
Hermione kept her distance because she knew if she hung around the marauders she wouldn't be able to keep her laughter in check. She did pretty well but every time she saw James looking in Snape's direction she'd chuckle lightly.  
  
"You!" Severus called to the only person in the empty hallway one day.  
  
Hermione turned to see Snape walking towards her. "Yes, Snape?" She questioned.  
  
"I wondered if you could answer me something." He began. "Potter's been looking at me the past couple of days and I want to know if he's barmy."  
  
Hermione inwardly chuckled at the memories she'd made the past few days of James Potter. "No, he's just heard something dreadfully funny, but hasn't seen the hilarity of it." She answered trying to keep a straight face.  
  
"Indeed?" Severus questioned interested. "And that would be?"  
  
"Oh something about the future of the Potter line." She answered vaguely.  
  
"He procreates? Oh Merlyn."  
  
Hermione mused, "Though he's taken it better than I thought he would."  
  
"Care to enlighten me?" Severus gestured casually.  
  
"Oh he's going to have a son." She shrugged. "Thing is this son will have three mothers and two fathers."  
  
Severus raised an eyebrow at what he'd just heard. 'Was that even possible?' He found himself wondering. "How did this come about?"  
  
"You wouldn't like it if I told you." She replied smirking. "Just let me be the first to congratulate you." She added before walking quickly down the hallway.  
  
Severus Snape stood there for a moment before brandishing his wand. "Petrificus Totalus." He said pointing his wand at the escaping brunette. Her form stiffened and fell over as he walked up to her. "Now I will release you and you will tell me exactly what you meant by that little comment." Severus told her.  
  
Hermione felt her body relax and fought the urge to glare at the Slytherin boy, but she had called it upon herself. Quickly she told him about the potion, the accident and how Lily became pregnant ergo the three mothers two fathers thing worked out.  
  
Severus stared at the girl dumbfounded. He and POTTER? "Are you sure that's everything?" He questioned eyeing her with distress.  
  
"Well you were a girl when you told us." She said softly.  
  
"I told you?" Severus stared in disbelief. Why would he tell HER something as personal as THAT? Then it clicked. "When exactly did I tell you this?" He questioned in such a way that made Hermione think he knew something she knew. Or didn't. Whatever the case may be.  
  
"Um, approximately sixteen years from now." She replied biting her lip.  
  
"I see." He replied slowly. "Either you are playing the largest joke on the Gryffindor boys, quite creatively for a Gryffindor, or...tell Potter to keep his eyes to himself." He paused before finishing, "Or his Son will be missing one mother." Then he was gone.  
  
Hermione's jaw dropped and a tiny squeak came out. How did he know? How could he possibly have known that it wasn't a creative fabrication of a Gryffindor muggle-born witch's mind? Her brain temporarily took a vacation. She wasn't going to try to figure out the enigma that was Severus Snape.  
  
Tune in for 'The Truth of Three Mother's Two Father's... 


	2. The Truth

Hogwarts Golden Trio's Third Year  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry, Hermione, and Ron, who had passed out in pain, were in the Shrieking Shack with Sirius Black standing before them. Remus was sitting in the corner holding on to the rat that they thought was Peter Pettigrew. Then a bright light appeared, two figures running out of it and though shocked Remus didn't let go.  
  
"Dad?" Harry questioned when he saw the unmistakable, messy black hair of his father.  
  
"I'm not your dad." The man said with messy black hair with hazel eyes and glasses said. Sirius Black fainted out of shock of seeing James Potter and Severus Snape together.  
  
"Actually, JP, if that's who I think it is," The familiar person with long black hair and dark eyes started, "There was that potion."  
  
"JP?" Hermione questioned confused.  
  
"Oh right." The man labeled 'JP' replied. "Sev I was the mother. Come to think of it...so were you."  
  
"Potion?" Harry questioned.  
  
"Sev?" Hermione questioned more confused than before.  
  
"Oh yeah." Sev said ignoring the questions. "As it was clearly all your fault that it happened."  
  
"Was not, Sev." JP countered. "I wasn't the one doing the potion in the first place."  
  
"POTION!" Harry yelled, frustrated that the two adults before him were ignoring him.  
  
"Yes potion." Severus snapped. "It was a simple sterol fertility potion and wasn't suppose to impregnate anyone."  
  
"Well it wouldn't have happened if you weren't ignoring me." JP replied childishly.  
  
"I had an assignment and you were playing Quidditch. How is that ignoring you?" Severus questioned ignoring JP's pout.  
  
"You were supposed to be supporting me!" JP cried sounding hurt. "Hello, girlfriend. MINE!"  
  
Severus sighed. "Not at the time, Potter."  
  
"Like anyone would have noticed the difference, Snape." JP shot back childishly.  
  
"Girlfriend?" Her voice was faint.  
  
"HELLO POTION!" Harry yelled again.  
  
"Yes, yes. We're speaking of it." Severus replied waving off Harry's anger.  
  
"Than can we please direct the conversation MY WAY?" Harry questioned, green eyes blazing.  
  
"Got Sirius' sense of self-importance." Severus commented.  
  
"And Lily's eyes." JP quipped. "He's not my son."  
  
"Last name Potter, not BLACK! Harry JAMES Potter, ring any bells?" Harry cried frustrated.  
  
"YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE!!!!" Sirius Black yelled suddenly.  
  
JP jumped back out of surprise as the ghost of Sirius Black floated before them. "I didn't sleep with your wife!" JP denied. "I haven't slept with anyone's wives."  
  
"That you know of." Severus quipped. "Obviously you did since that is the outcome." She continued gesturing towards Harry.  
  
"Potion." JP stuttered. "Remember the potion!" He continued frantically.  
  
"Oh sure, blame the potion for you little fling with Lily Evans-Black." Severus replied clearly enjoying JP's predicament. She hadn't had this much fun since seeing Lucius in a tutu singing praise to the Gryffindors. Quite badly if you asked her.  
  
"Like she would have if I'd asked." JP commented.  
  
"YOU ASKED HER?" Sirius bellowed.  
  
JP paled. "I didn't ask her."  
  
"Oh but you must have thought about it." Sirius countered.  
  
"I didn't. The thought never crossed my mind." JP said.  
  
"And what is so wrong with me, James Potter, am I repulsive?" The ghost of Lily questioned with an eyebrow raised.  
  
"You think my wife is hideous!" Sirius accused. The alive Sirius, who had just woken up, fainted again.  
  
"I don't think she's hideous." JP denied frantically. "She's very lovely and she's yours."  
  
"So my free-will is negated because I hold the last name of Black?" Lily questioned. "What am I his love slave?"  
  
"Would someone PLEASE explain the potion?" Harry tried in desperation.  
  
"You haven't figured it out?" Severus questioned looking very amused. This day was suddenly turning out very well.  
  
"HA!" Someone laughed out loud. "Harry Potter figure out a potion, you must be mad."  
  
"HERMIONE!" Harry cried out.  
  
"Well it's true." The girl huffed.  
  
"I like this one." Severus mused.  
  
"SEVERUS!" JP cried.  
  
"What?" She countered. "I didn't say the boy."  
  
"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" JP questioned.  
  
"Well yea." She shot back. "It means I don't go for younger men."  
  
"Considering that he's your son." JP started, only to hear a moan as Sirius fainted yet again.  
  
"He's not only mine." Severus reminded. "Seeing as you're jealous what does that say about your behavior?"  
  
Lily peered at the object on the floor. "You know he's fainted at least three times in the last ten minutes." She observed. "Dear, is there something I should know?"  
  
"Potion." Sirius decided. "We should talk about the potion."  
  
"THANK YOU!" Harry cried out.  
  
Hermione began to laugh uncontrollably at her best friend's reaction to everything, not to mention out of nervousness. I mean how many people can say they saw one dead man...who wasn't even dead and two very alive people who were supposed to be dead? And where did that put Lily? She wasn't even going to THINK about that.  
  
"What is so funny, Mione?" Harry questioned.  
  
She glared at Harry. "The name's Hermione." She replied. "And who would have ever thought that Harry Potter would get so worked up about a simple potion, when he doesn't even like potions?"  
  
"Actually, my dear girl." Severus paused. "Can I call you Hermione?" She questioned before adding, "Seeing as I don't know your last name. The potion isn't at all that simple. There are certain components that could lead to..."  
  
"Severus, now is not the time for a potions lecture." JP cut in.  
  
"And I suppose if we were talking about Quidditch it would be the opportune time?" Severus jeered.  
  
"Of course." JP scoffed. "Quidditch is what brings us together. Everybody loves it."  
  
"HA!" The woman scoffed.  
  
"What is it with scholars and Quidditch?" JP questioned Sirius.  
  
"I thought we were going to talk about the potion!" Harry whined.  
  
"I was making a potion. Brainiac over here was feeling neglected, began adding things in to the cauldron. Sirius, Remus and Lily walked in. The cauldron exploded, hence impregnating Lily Evans soon to be Black with mine, JP's, Sirius' and Remus' baby." Severus explained shorthand, causing Sirius to faint yet again. She turned to Sirius and questioned, "Mind if I kick you while you're down?"  
  
"Oh don't be a Lucius Slytherin." Sirius replied. "He gave the rest of us a bad name."  
  
"You're a Slytherin?" Harry and Hermione exclaimed.  
  
Sirius Black, the alive one, finally woke up seemingly finished with his fainting spells after hearing that he was a Slytherin. Looking around the room he saw his ghost self standing with Lily, JP and Severus looking at each other, Harry who was sitting on the bed next to Ron – who was still passed out – with his head in his hands and then to Hermione standing beside Remus just enjoying the view.  
  
"Did I miss something?" He finally dared to ask.  
  
"Oh lots." Remus chimed in. "Remember, oh about sixteen years ago, we had a visitor?"  
  
"Yes." Sirius drew out the single word as if trying to figure out what Remus was trying to tell him.  
  
"And this visitor told us something." Remus continued.  
  
"Yes." He again drew out the single word.  
  
"About, three mothers, two fathers."  
  
"Oh Merlyn!" Sirius exclaimed, elevator hitting top floor. "That was TRUE?"  
  
"Well it seems to be." Remus replied. "After all they've been talking about it for the last half an hour while you couldn't stay conscious."  
  
"Is there something you'd like to tell me?" Ghost Sirius asked himself. Then he retracted by saying, "Never mind. Don't tell me." He patted himself on the shoulder.  
  
"Please don't touch me." Sirius said to his ghost form. "That's just creepy."  
  
"Right." Remus said before adding, "This coming from the man that spent so much time with the dementors."  
  
"What?" Ghost Sirius questioned darkly. "Did you do?"  
  
"I didn't do anything!" Sirius commented sounding an awful lot like JP had moments before. "They accused me of killing the Potters."  
  
"YOU MARRIED MY WIFE!" Ghost Sirius screamed. "NOT ONLY DO YOU SLEEP WITH HER, GOT HER PREGNANT, YOU MARRY HER TOO?"  
  
"We're not even sure if it's Lily." JP tried.  
  
"LOOK AT THE BOY'S EYES!" Ghost Sirius bellowed. "I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY HE'S LILY'S!"  
  
"Will you stop yelling at me?" JP pleaded. "I'm not deaf you know." He paused. "I didn't sleep with or marry Lily Evans!" He tried desperately to prove his innocence.  
  
"Actually you did."  
  
"Oh shut up!" JP snapped before realizing that it was himself. "This is all YOUR fault!" He accused. Himself?  
  
"How is it my fault?" Ghost James questioned.  
  
"YOU married Sirius' wife."  
  
"Well." Ghost James huffed. "She wasn't his wife when I married her."  
  
"You admit it!" Ghost Sirius jumped on the alive James Potter.  
  
"I didn't admit to anything!" JP replied trying to get the ghostly figure of his once alive friend to back off. "He did! Yell at him!" He said pointing at the ghost figure of himself.  
  
"But he's you! He shares your thoughts therefore it was you." Ghost Sirius theorized. "Right Severus?"  
  
"Don't bring me into this." Severus warned. "I have to go home with him."  
  
"What?" Harry questioned confused, finally rejoining the insanity within the shack. "You live together?"  
  
"Oh, you've decided to rejoin us?" Severus questioned. "And yes, I have for the last thirty some odd years. Why stop now?"  
  
"I'm considering kicking you out, seeing as you're not helping me out of this mess." JP threatened.  
  
"If you insist." Severus sighed. "I'll go home with Remus then." He added before looking at Remus. "You don't mind, do you?"  
  
"I always knew you liked Remus better." JP pouted.  
  
"Well yeah!" Severus chuckled. "He bites." She grinned evilly causing Sirius to faint once more.  
  
"I thought he got that fixed." Lily commented dryly.  
  
"I bite?" Remus questioned confused. "You let me?"  
  
"Oh yes, frequently. Usually when in werewolf form."  
  
Remus chocked seemingly not getting air through his lungs. "But you're not...so you're...a...werewolf?" He questioned stuttering at the thought of biting someone and causing them to suffer like him.  
  
Severus snorted. "Not likely." She reassured him, sort of. "I'm an earth mage werewolf bites don't effect me like normal people." She paused as if thinking of something, "Come to think of it, neither do vampire bites."  
  
"Oh there you go." JP rolled his eyes. "Bragging about that again."  
  
"And WHERE do you think you're going?" Severus suddenly replied pointing at the rat made human.  
  
"Away." He squeaked. "This is a family discussion after all, and...I'm just third wheel."  
  
"Oh Petie, Petie, Petie but you are family...you traitorous piece of filth." Ghost James replied putting an arm around his shoulder.  
  
"Oh you mean he betrayed you here too?" JP replied.  
  
"What do you mean too?" James asked.  
  
An exasperated grunt caused JP to grab for Severus' arm. "Ever seen one of these before?" He questioned yanking up the sleeve exposing the dark mark. "It's because of THAT rat over there!"  
  
"Do you mind?" Severus snapped pulling her arm free. "It's not as if you didn't eviscerate Voldemort for it anyways."  
  
"Ewww!" Hermione groaned before fainting from the imagery.  
  
"Someone's got an active imagination." Severus replied seeing the girl faint.  
  
"My mother's a death eater?!?!" Harry cried out.  
  
Severus rolled her eyes. "Not exactly, I may be marked but I'm not a death eater. JP here, when he killed Voldie, killed all the death eaters." Then as a second thought she added, "How he avoided killing me is something I haven't figured out yet."  
  
"Oh Sev, I couldn't kill you." JP replied. "Besides it was only those that were willing that got killed."  
  
Hermione entered the world of the conscious, rubbing her forehead, looking towards Sirius and saying, "How can he stand to do that, it's annoying."  
  
"So back to clear something's up." Ghost Sirius started. "If Peter's the betrayer, why did he...I...he go to Azkaban?"  
  
"Cause the Minister of Magic is an idiot." Remus replied dryly.  
  
"You mean you're not the Minister?"  
  
Remus again chocked. "What?"  
  
"Oh that's all Sev's fault." JP replied putting his arm around her.  
  
"Oh stop that!" Sev snapped. "Or I really will move in with Remus." She threatened.  
  
"Like I'd let you." JP countered. "We tried that once, remember?"  
  
"Yes that was all you're fault that it failed."  
  
"Right." JP replied. "I'm not the one with painful transformations."  
  
"I thought you said you weren't a wolf!" Remus panicked.  
  
"I'm not." Sev replied. "I'd never lie about that, Rem. Specially since it was...no wait that was my Rem." She paused thoughtfully. "No I'm simply transgendered."  
  
"There's nothing simple about it, Sev." JP replied.  
  
"Oh shut up."  
  
"Is that your favorite line?"  
  
"No that would be 'shut up and kiss me'." Sev replied before mischievously adding, "No wait. That would be for Rem. Forget I said anything."  
  
"One of these days Severus." JP threatened. "I'm going to make you eat your words."  
  
"Promises, promises, JP." Sev smirked.  
  
"I'm battling a near total mental breakdown and they're over there..." He fought for a good word. "Flirting."  
  
"Get used to it Siri." Remus joked. "I think we're keeping that one." Hermione chuckled at his statement causing Remus to look at her. "And Hermione, call me in four years."  
  
Hermione looked shocked before saying, "What?"  
  
Albus Dumbledore walked into the Shrieking Shack to find Ron out cold, Sirius Black with his head in his hands; Peter Pettigrew pinned to a wall, Remus and Hermione locking eyes and questioned, "What is going on here?"  
  
Severus looked at the Headmaster. "You're standing on your own feet!" She replied shocked.  
  
"And you're supposed to be dead."  
  
"So I've heard." Severus replied.  
  
"Repeatedly." JP added.  
  
"So are you."  
  
"Well I am." JP replied before pointing to himself. "See."  
  
Albus sighed loudly; "This is going to be a long story. And I can't wait to hear it."  
  
"But there's nothing to tell." Most of the occupants in the room replied.  
  
"Ah, I doubt that." Albus contradicted. "Don't make me twinkle at you!"  
  
The ghosts of Sirius, James and Lily all looked at each other before saying, "Well we'll see you later."  
  
"We're gone." Added Ghost James.  
  
"BAILERS!"  
  
The End. 


End file.
